desires of my heart.

I feel compelled to write. I'm not completely sure of the reasons why... But I do know there is a knot forming in my heart, along with a hint of nervousness as I type. (Or maybe it's the kimchi baap I ate last night.)

As you all know I'll be soon entering into a relationship at the end of this month. And with that I've been frequently asked this past month and a lot more these days, how I feel bout dating. Most of the time the person asking implies their excitement into the question anticipating my response to be expressed in the same way.

To be honest I haven't given myself a chance to think bout how I truly do feel bout forreal getting into a relationship.

It's been almost two years Steven and I have known each other, it has been a little over a year since we dtr'd. And now eight months of waiting are soon to be over. (Correction: 15 months)

Being an ex-people pleaser my heart mildly ached when people would question why we were waiting eight months before we would start dating. My peers would constantly question it the back of their minds, "Why don't they just date now.. It's almost as if they are together anyways.."

To be truthful, I did question it as well. I knew we were waiting because PB guided us to this place, he wanted me to grow in my own faith apart from Steven before having him become someone who would serve a greater role in leading me. But at times I wondered to myself, why don't we just start dating? Everything seems like it's saying we should just date. Everything on the check-list seemed to be complete... We like each other, we avidly tried to not make it bout ourselves but to put the other first, we constantly wanted Christ to be the center... What more was there that we needed before we got into a relationship?

Romans 7:18-19
For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

God had to break me of myself. My own self-sufficiency and self-confidence.

And He kept on breaking me more, and more, and more, and more.. Til I couldn't lift up my head without His aid. In my brokenness He showed me how much I can't do anything apart from His mercy, apart from His grace. In my brokenness He showed me glimpses of my sinfulness that were only glimpses, but my goodness what a wretch I am.

Never do we look at relationships or enter into one thinking, how can I die to myself to better serve and minister Christ's love into their lives. I really believed all I wanted to do was care for Steven, to put him before me, and there wasn't a lick of deceitful desire that lingered in me. I really really adamantly believed that I was like that. But who was I trying to kidd. We all have our own desires, our own wants and longings- both terrible and good.

A lot of times when I thought bout my relationship with Steven I envisioned it with much blindness. I would think how he made me happy, how he served me, me, me , me. And once the light started to shine through... Never did I think bout how it would be once the balloons and party favors were put away and the what was not so fairy tale would be exposed; our true hearts and desires.

Before I thought to myself, "I'll be there for him whenever, wherever..." Then God showed us what we were like when we were both burdened, weary, struggling. Before I thought to myself, "I'm a great listener and care about every word that comes out of Steven's mouth." Then God showed me my impatience, my disinterest. Before I really believed I was a self-less giving person. Then God showed me my selfishness, uncaring, self-centered motives.

I'm going to start dating at the end of this month and how do I feel?

The other day actually Steven asked me that question. And... I probably gave the worst possible answer to the other person whose going to be the other half of the relationship. But all I could answer with was comparing dating to suffering. Now I know some of ya'll just dropped open your mouths and said, "Omggg Sammm whhyyy did you say that.." Believe me Steven was pretty sad or maybe hurt that I compared him to suffering. But I don't see it as a bad thing, at least for me I think it's a great comparison.

In the midst of suffering if we allow the waves of hopelessness and defeat come crashing down on us that's all it becomes... Hopelessness and defeat. When we don't continuously struggle to lift our eyes up to our Lord Jesus Christ all we are left with is our own brokenness and that's it. And a lot of times when we do go through suffering we want to sulk, be down, take long naps, allow depression and every bit of hope to pass away from us. It's a true struggle to want to fight and persevere through times of darkness. But we do so because we want to believe that the hope, the joy, the embrace of our Almighty Father is worth everything in trusting and having faith in Him... And it is!

Romans 5:2-5
...We rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Isaiah 50: 10-11
Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment.

I guess... I really like the comparison of dating is like suffering because if ever there is a moment where I forget that I need to keep surrendering to God and I start trying to handle things with my own frail hands and deceitful desires. I will.. Steven and I will both fall apart. God's shown both of us how much we can't handle trying to do anything for ourselves. I feel like it's been creating in my heart a growing holy fear for the Lord, esp. after reading Colossians 3 again last night during prayer meeting.

Colossians 3:1-3
If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

The word of God hit even stronger when in verses 5-6 Paul goes on to say...

Colossians 3:5-6
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you; sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming.

When my mind isn't set on the things above, where Christ is... Where else can my mind be other than on the things on earth.. Man that's scary. Cause I know for myself I normally always read verses 5-6 and right when I would see sexual immorality and I immediately would think oh well I don't struggle with that, guess that means everything else is nullified for me. But goodness how much denial of impurity, passion, evil desire.. covetousness.. I'm all of those things and much much more.

So. Ask me one last final time... I think I can say that I'm excited, but my excitement comes with an attachment of fear and trembling. I'm extremely grateful that I'm entering into a relationship and will be able to go along this road of... To be honest it's gonna be a lot of crap that's going to fall in our way. Two sinners dating. There's gonna be a lot of light shining on dark places in both of hearts along the way. A lot of humbling and humility, patience, and everything that comes from the fruit of the Spirit will be needed. God, help us.

I guess I can end with this. I'm not writing all this because I want whoever reads this to go away thinking that I want them to believe relationships are hard, gruesome and painful. God's blessed us with relationships and even one with His own son, our Lord Jesus Christ. Hopefully I didn't give anyone the wrong impression bout relationships, I feel like I had to share more for myself to process that I truly do need Christ to be the center of everything. To be reminded that His grace is sufficient for me, and His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. (2Cor.9-10)

I don't think I can see anything worthwhile or any joy apart from Christ. I choose to want God to be over this relationship because I have seen that my ways are too dumb. God's the only one who can work with our failures and... I've seen that His ways are higher than ours, better than ours and much more joyful than ours. God's love is too awesome to reject.

To further end this terribly long ramble party post- I'm extremely thankful that I have Steven in my life. I am unbelievably grateful with how God has blessed me with him. Yeah, most of this post has been bout suffering and surrendering and how it's gonna be hard. But I'm glad that this part of the journey is with him. God is definitely sovereign, He is definitely mighty, and He is forreals the only one that can make things happen for His own glory and for our own good.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.