This must be grace.

So Sam, remember this before you start complaining and cursing God under your breath.

Remember that it was God's doing that you couldn't leave your current roommates on an angry note. That he gave you true sorrow bout not being able to room with them again. Though your relationship with them were going through much turbulence.- Remember that hardship has to come, for the healing to come produce Joy. Because when your sin isn't revealed and you don't see how much of a terrible person you really are- you will always go on thinking you're not so bad- not so much in need of Grace. None of your roommates would, neither would you have seen the true colors of your hearts. None of you would have seen the need for Someone to show you Grace.

Remember when you start questioning why in the world you ended up living with someone else- That it was God who brought a bittersweet ending between your prior roommates. That it was God's doing the day you went on the last search for an apartment and couldn't find anything for the three of you guys. That God sovereignly opened the doors for you to have the privilege of living with someone else you deeply cared about. That it was not out of mere coincidence but he affirmed this to you. That there is a reason for everything. Remember how he overwhelmed your heart of what hardships were to come and how you received the coming of these things from afar with much joy. Because he showed you the places you in your own heart that were going to be stripped and healed through living with someone else.

Remember that "it's just the dark before the morning" so " press on and just fight the good fight". Remember that "life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture." Remember Sam that God is the one who created you, who upholds the universe by the word of his power, and that he created the ages through his Son, Jesus Christ. (Hebrews 1:2) Remember how much hurt you have been through in the past, but how the remembrance of that pain doesn't last as much as the weight of glory. Remember how you felt when you recited, "God is good, all the time."- "All the time, God is good." Remember how you knew, that God is truly good.

Remember God always pulls through- because you believe in a Hope that doesn't put you to shame. (Romans 5:5) Remember when you complain when things aren't going your way or planned or expected- that his ways are higher than your ways, his thoughts are higher than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

So Sam, remember when it seems like nothing is going right. When life seems to look like it has reached a dead end, and you would rather fantasize of death than pushing through.. Remember that it's not bout you.

"Sit here, while I go over there and pray." And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me." And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will."

Remember that someone died for you, not because you were worthy of his life to be ended to save yours. But someone cared enough bout you to take the blow you were supposed to take. Remember that you never deserved to be shown mercy, because you chose to walk away from the one who loved you most. Broken-hearted, abandoned, stricken with the pain you should of gone through- He died to save yours. So Sam, turn back. Turn back and know his kindness was meant to lead you to repentance. (Romans 2:4)

Turn back and live knowing you have a Saviour who loves you, walking by your side. Turn back and remember that you deserve infinitely worse than what you are going through. That suffering should not come to you as a shock- because of the true state of your whoring heart. But recognize the darkness as a blessing. That God has chosen to care for you enough to discipline you as his own.

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
⁶because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

⁷Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? ⁸If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. ⁹Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! ¹⁰Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

¹²Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. ¹³"Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

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Falling for the one who fell for me first.

Standing in the grace that I never deserved.

This must be love.

smayi.com

http://smayi.com

donuts.

Since I don't have the option of creating photo albums on facebook anymore- why not post some pictures on here. Actually there's not that many photos to show- These are from Thanksgiving break but.. I didn't take that many photos.

(Really... I just wanted to post these cute pictures of Steven.)






[+]

The rest are.. I really didn't take any pictures that weekend...

desires of my heart.

I feel compelled to write. I'm not completely sure of the reasons why... But I do know there is a knot forming in my heart, along with a hint of nervousness as I type. (Or maybe it's the kimchi baap I ate last night.)

As you all know I'll be soon entering into a relationship at the end of this month. And with that I've been frequently asked this past month and a lot more these days, how I feel bout dating. Most of the time the person asking implies their excitement into the question anticipating my response to be expressed in the same way.

To be honest I haven't given myself a chance to think bout how I truly do feel bout forreal getting into a relationship.

It's been almost two years Steven and I have known each other, it has been a little over a year since we dtr'd. And now eight months of waiting are soon to be over. (Correction: 15 months)

Being an ex-people pleaser my heart mildly ached when people would question why we were waiting eight months before we would start dating. My peers would constantly question it the back of their minds, "Why don't they just date now.. It's almost as if they are together anyways.."

To be truthful, I did question it as well. I knew we were waiting because PB guided us to this place, he wanted me to grow in my own faith apart from Steven before having him become someone who would serve a greater role in leading me. But at times I wondered to myself, why don't we just start dating? Everything seems like it's saying we should just date. Everything on the check-list seemed to be complete... We like each other, we avidly tried to not make it bout ourselves but to put the other first, we constantly wanted Christ to be the center... What more was there that we needed before we got into a relationship?

Romans 7:18-19
For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

God had to break me of myself. My own self-sufficiency and self-confidence.

And He kept on breaking me more, and more, and more, and more.. Til I couldn't lift up my head without His aid. In my brokenness He showed me how much I can't do anything apart from His mercy, apart from His grace. In my brokenness He showed me glimpses of my sinfulness that were only glimpses, but my goodness what a wretch I am.

Never do we look at relationships or enter into one thinking, how can I die to myself to better serve and minister Christ's love into their lives. I really believed all I wanted to do was care for Steven, to put him before me, and there wasn't a lick of deceitful desire that lingered in me. I really really adamantly believed that I was like that. But who was I trying to kidd. We all have our own desires, our own wants and longings- both terrible and good.

A lot of times when I thought bout my relationship with Steven I envisioned it with much blindness. I would think how he made me happy, how he served me, me, me , me. And once the light started to shine through... Never did I think bout how it would be once the balloons and party favors were put away and the what was not so fairy tale would be exposed; our true hearts and desires.

Before I thought to myself, "I'll be there for him whenever, wherever..." Then God showed us what we were like when we were both burdened, weary, struggling. Before I thought to myself, "I'm a great listener and care about every word that comes out of Steven's mouth." Then God showed me my impatience, my disinterest. Before I really believed I was a self-less giving person. Then God showed me my selfishness, uncaring, self-centered motives.

I'm going to start dating at the end of this month and how do I feel?

The other day actually Steven asked me that question. And... I probably gave the worst possible answer to the other person whose going to be the other half of the relationship. But all I could answer with was comparing dating to suffering. Now I know some of ya'll just dropped open your mouths and said, "Omggg Sammm whhyyy did you say that.." Believe me Steven was pretty sad or maybe hurt that I compared him to suffering. But I don't see it as a bad thing, at least for me I think it's a great comparison.

In the midst of suffering if we allow the waves of hopelessness and defeat come crashing down on us that's all it becomes... Hopelessness and defeat. When we don't continuously struggle to lift our eyes up to our Lord Jesus Christ all we are left with is our own brokenness and that's it. And a lot of times when we do go through suffering we want to sulk, be down, take long naps, allow depression and every bit of hope to pass away from us. It's a true struggle to want to fight and persevere through times of darkness. But we do so because we want to believe that the hope, the joy, the embrace of our Almighty Father is worth everything in trusting and having faith in Him... And it is!

Romans 5:2-5
...We rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Isaiah 50: 10-11
Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment.

I guess... I really like the comparison of dating is like suffering because if ever there is a moment where I forget that I need to keep surrendering to God and I start trying to handle things with my own frail hands and deceitful desires. I will.. Steven and I will both fall apart. God's shown both of us how much we can't handle trying to do anything for ourselves. I feel like it's been creating in my heart a growing holy fear for the Lord, esp. after reading Colossians 3 again last night during prayer meeting.

Colossians 3:1-3
If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

The word of God hit even stronger when in verses 5-6 Paul goes on to say...

Colossians 3:5-6
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you; sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming.

When my mind isn't set on the things above, where Christ is... Where else can my mind be other than on the things on earth.. Man that's scary. Cause I know for myself I normally always read verses 5-6 and right when I would see sexual immorality and I immediately would think oh well I don't struggle with that, guess that means everything else is nullified for me. But goodness how much denial of impurity, passion, evil desire.. covetousness.. I'm all of those things and much much more.

So. Ask me one last final time... I think I can say that I'm excited, but my excitement comes with an attachment of fear and trembling. I'm extremely grateful that I'm entering into a relationship and will be able to go along this road of... To be honest it's gonna be a lot of crap that's going to fall in our way. Two sinners dating. There's gonna be a lot of light shining on dark places in both of hearts along the way. A lot of humbling and humility, patience, and everything that comes from the fruit of the Spirit will be needed. God, help us.

I guess I can end with this. I'm not writing all this because I want whoever reads this to go away thinking that I want them to believe relationships are hard, gruesome and painful. God's blessed us with relationships and even one with His own son, our Lord Jesus Christ. Hopefully I didn't give anyone the wrong impression bout relationships, I feel like I had to share more for myself to process that I truly do need Christ to be the center of everything. To be reminded that His grace is sufficient for me, and His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. (2Cor.9-10)

I don't think I can see anything worthwhile or any joy apart from Christ. I choose to want God to be over this relationship because I have seen that my ways are too dumb. God's the only one who can work with our failures and... I've seen that His ways are higher than ours, better than ours and much more joyful than ours. God's love is too awesome to reject.

To further end this terribly long ramble party post- I'm extremely thankful that I have Steven in my life. I am unbelievably grateful with how God has blessed me with him. Yeah, most of this post has been bout suffering and surrendering and how it's gonna be hard. But I'm glad that this part of the journey is with him. God is definitely sovereign, He is definitely mighty, and He is forreals the only one that can make things happen for His own glory and for our own good.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Role Model(s).

The world we live in is serious bout how far down it's sinfulness will take us. It's scary to see how quickly we fall into darkness. My heart aches when I see the people I grew up looking up to living and chasing after things with expiration dates. It pains me to know that they've chosen darkness when they had experienced the awesome joy of knowing Jesus in their lives.

It's late. I didn't really have much to say.

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God I pray that you would bring your people back to You. That they would see that the world offers nothing but worthlessness and decay. I lift them up to Jesus, our Saviour, our only hope. Who came down to this world to be spat on, insulted, beaten, flogged and ultimately nailed upon the cross for us who don't deserve anything but the wrath of God. Father, I ask that you would draw your children back to you so that they would be able to glorify you, love you and to know of the Your unfailing love again and again and again. May the scales from their eyes fall so their hearts would be captivated by the work of the cross and of Your saving grace. Jesus, come be the center of their lives once again. Be the only one that they would cherish deeply in their hearts. God, only you can change the hearts of your people. Please fill them with your holy spirit that their hearts would be soften towards you. I pray all of these things in faith through Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour. Amen.

Email.

Sometimes when I'm desperate. I'll type out my prayers. But I always need a place to store them... So I use my Gmail. But Gmail won't allow you to keep drafts unless you have a sender in the "to" section.

God@gmail.com

HAHAHAHA. Actually.
I would want to think that
God would use Gmail. If
He had to have an email.

Why am I sharing this..

This needs a title.

I'm not sure why I'm posting. Actually this is probably more so me talking to myself rather than for anyone else. Cause I don't think (I'm still talking to myself.) anyone else knows bout this other than me and the 'next blog' clicking persons. I'm probably writing more so to create my thoughts into words to better understand for myself. Also to verbally communicate my thoughts to others.

I believe that's been happening a lot more recently. Where I'm having to verbally communicate my thoughts. And it's hard. For example. I know how and why I feel the way I do bout prayer. But most of the times it's unexplainable because you yourself don't necessarily have to define it to yourself in words. Cause.. Well you already understand it. You collect all this from experience, emotion, knowledge, etc. It's hard to clump that into words that restrain all of the above. Esp for me. Because I don't know many words. I have many hand movements but that doesn't truly justify the depth or feel of my thoughts towards something. It's possibly only a glimpse. Maybe it is always just a glimpse and it's for the receiving end to experience the true depth of the other's worded thought in observation. That made it sound like watching lab rats... I need to quit rambling.

Is it just me or does it feel like ages when you're going through something. And you look back and realize it had only been one day or two. For two days this past week I was silent towards God. The feeling of complacency. No need for God seeped in. I felt numb towards any desire to seek Him. I felt blank and quiet. So I watched TV. I watched two. No. Three TV shows. You're probably thinking that's not horrible. But I quit watching TV because I am a fiend when it comes to watching television. Regardless I continued to feel nothing because nothing was really going on. (That's a horrible excuse. Stupid.)

Then Sunday morning came and God woke me up that morning and sweetly asked in a whisper how come I hadn't spent any time with Him. And that broke me. Every emotion of shame to sorrow to being shown grace overflowed in me that brought me to tears.

Exodus 34:6-7.
...The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.

How much love. Seriously. God is compassionate towards people who flat out sin against him. It's humanly impossible to wrap my mind around how great His love is. Esp. when I read through the Bible and time in and time out read bout how rebellious the people are yet God's compassion never fades. He never quits pouring out His love.

Nehemiah 9:19-21, 27, 30-31.
Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the desert... You gave your good sPirit to instruct them, You did not withhold your manna from their mouths and you gave them water for theird thirst. For forty years you sustained them in the desert; they lacked nothing their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen.

From heaven you heard them and in your great compassion, you gave them deliverers, who rescued them from the hand of their enemies.

For many years you were patient with them... But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, for you are a gracious and mericful God.

Jeremiah 32:41.
They will be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them... I will rejoice in doing them good... with all my heart and soul.

Romans 5:8.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinner, Christ died for us.

1 John 3:16.
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.


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I was reminded of Revelation 2:4-5. "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first." I recently heard a sermon on Revelation 2. and the tonality he spoke about stuck out to me. He was talking bout how it's one thing to be told gently, "God loves you." But it's another when a preacher shouts at you, "GOD LOVES YOU." It doesn't sound like sweet, affectionate, lavish unconditional love. Does He say it in anger? To drive guilt into you? You can say something really sweet in the wrong tone and it can change the meaning of it.

"What's the tone that Jesus uses in this passage? I don't know for sure but I have a guess... I think He says it with a broken and tender and compassionate heart... My best friend in college was dating this one girl for a year, year and a half and one day out of no where she changed her mind and broke up with him. One Saturday morning I remember he woke up and he was weeping. See that's the emotion of one who loves and is rejected its this tender compassionate broken heart because he still loved her but she didn't love him back. With Jesus there is no body, no one, no one, no one (singing Alicia Keys) who loves you like Jesus loves you. I feel like he says it like a lover who has been rejected." -P. DC

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God, You love me.. I'm so unworthy for this love. Yet how can I say no to such pure and unconditional love. How can I say no to true love. When all of us are out to fulfil the deepest longings and desires in our hearts. I've been found by Love. I'm loved by the King. And how foolish it would be for me to reject the deepest desires of my heart to be met. When it is so freely given to me. (1 Cor. 2:12) I'm in the presence of True Love.

No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
No mind has ever conceived
The glorious things that You have prepared
For everyone who has believed
You brought us near and You called us Your own
And made us joint heirs with Your Son.

How high and how wide,
How deep and how long,
How sweet and how strong is Your love.
How lavish Your grace,
How faithful Your ways,
How great is Your love, oh Lord.

Objects of mercy who should have known wrath
We’re filled with unspeakable joy.
Riches of wisdom, unsearchable wealth,
And the wonder of knowing Your voice.
You are our treasure and our great reward,
Our hope and our glorious King.

-Mark Altrogge, How Great is Your Love

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That was a lot of rambling.